It's Christmas today. I've found protection to type a bit, in a room full of super heroes, teenage mutant ninja turtles, legos and sports themed garden gnomes, on a small corner of the couch not covered by the cherished Xmas clutter spread. I have so much to say today, but don't want to be hidden behind this computer screen too long, for fear of missing one minute of joy in the boys faces. Perhaps with a few days off from work, I'll catch up on my back log of blog topics! I said I would find the time, remember?!
This Christmas is the second now that I've split time with my boys. The divorced parents out there understand the complex scheduling and heartache involved with sharing cherished little one's over the holidays. No details needed. The non-divorced parents understand the complex scheduling of just trying to see everyone that needs to adore your children! Magic and adoration are certainly deserved by the littlest loved one's in our clans, but I've always found holidays can be intensely busy, highly stressful and fast paced. I'm blaming no one but myself for those feelings. In holidays past as a Mommy, I look back and wonder if I even tasted the food I was eating or took enough time to stare, not from behind the lens of a camera, at the beautiful blue eyed children in front of me. I could go on and on about the reasons why, providing a deep psychological evaluation into the level of my self proclaimed crazy, but I'll spare you, for now anyway.
Coming out of a year filled with more change then possible to explain, on the heels of anguish necessary to spark major changes, I am allowing myself to admit that I am feeling a bit of peace today. A bit of reflection through tears. A bit of joy even...I have a guilty pang typing it out, part of a deep seeded set of demons that I wrestle with regularly. I had a house full of family and friends yesterday. It was relaxed, full of wine, full of presents for the boys & full of simplicity. Today, we are still in our pajamas, putting together toys and just being. Just being....peaceful, non-rushed, and full of love. I haven't taken enough pictures, my Facebook feed is lacking, we ate leftover cheese and pepperoni from yesterday's party for lunch (fire me!) and the past 10 minutes were spent explaining to Jack that opening up the 716 piece lego set at 1pm, when he has to leave at 3pm, is probably not the best choice. He actually agreed. There is nothing glamorous about this day, but it is glorious, peaceful, full of snuggles, gifts with meaning, and spirituality that, for me was only reached after spending some time in deep trenches.
In the trenches, I realized that the souls of women like my Mom Mom Rae and Aunt Mary resonate on a daily basis in my life. I needed to listen to them. (blog post to come later about these two). I found acceptance that you just never know what life is going to throw at you, or anyone else you love, so hunker down and make sure you love those you love with everything you have. I realized that being the strong one, all the time, for everyone, isn't sustainable, especially without any tears. I discovered that sometimes, putting yourself first is the only way you can be your best for not only yourself, but for your kids and the love of your life.
The truth is, today, Christmas Day of 2013, I've never felt so much love, or been able to give so much love, without some kind of wall up, in my life. I didn't know what I was letting pass by in life, but I'm so thankful to be loved, to love and to have two little boys who are adored by all of the family and friends that shine their light on them. May you have a Merry Christmas with your family, with enough time for the masses, with the balance of solitude for your smaller clan, and with a spirituality to let peace in...everyday.
