I am traveling at 535mph as I start this blog entry. Sounds like a regular day, these days, moving so fast I can hardly keep up! I’ve traveled over 6000 miles in the past 48
hours. As I soar above the clouds, over
oceans, I thought about the choices at hand. Eat. Sleep. Watch a movie. Stare mindlessly out
the window and think. Open my laptop and
work. It’s been an amazingly big year
for our family. Regrettably, sans
pictures, not much has been documented in writing. As usual, I’m feeling the guilt of that. That’s another blog entry. But today, I open
my laptop and muster the energy, carve out the time, to write for one boy. My first boy.
My Jack.
Jack is exactly one month away from turning 10 years old as
I type this. A decade. Two whole hands. Double digits. How did could it be possible? How has it been 10 years since I felt the
power of what it means to be handed the sweetest bundle of life, to be a Mom, to
learn how to let your heart walk around outside of you every day. Motherhood is excruciatingly beautiful. Jack taught me that.
On April 6, 2008, Jack Mason entered this world after
clinging to me desperately through a very hard labor. I heard a saying once that says those infants
that give their mothers the hardest labor, are those that simply want to stay
close to their mother’s hearts and not leave.
For my Jack, this holds so true. As I reflect on the young man Jack is
becoming, I connect so many pieces of his heart and soul to his entry to the
world. He was telling me then he’d want me close, feel every joy and ache in my
heart as an extended piece of my being. Leaving my side would be hard. Jack screamed with all his might that day,
when he should have been exhausted, so determined to have his voice and
feelings heard in his very first moments of life. If I knew then what the next decade would
look like, and all that we would learn together, all that he would be charged
to lead through as the oldest child, I would have known how that determined
spirit and willingness to show his raw emotion would serve him well. But as a new mother, all I felt at the time
was unconditional love, the greatest feeling of gratitude for being entrusted
with this beautiful boy, and the urge to calm him and keep him close. Today I feel the same, just infinitely more powerful,
as that is how loving and raising a child works. Each day, your love grows. It’s breathtaking. Jack taught me that.
I feel blessed that Jack still thrives on our time together
and we are incredibly close. And except
for when he’s on the baseball field, it is hard for us to be apart. When I used to pick him up from daycare as a
toddler, we would chat on the ride home and have dinner together, the two of
us, still chatting away endlessly. As a
4th grader, after school, he still always makes time to hang inside to
catch me up on his day, to let me know exactly where he’s headed to play, our
same routine, just changing with time as he’s grown. He loves long dinner
conversations, and as the last one to usually be done eating, always begs me to
stay and chat with him until he’s done. Jack has mastered the art of extending bed
time conversations like the best negotiator in any business. He’s had years of practice. Through each
phase, our conversations have morphed from Lego guys and “Just one more picture
book, one more prayer Mommy”; to selecting his next novel together and
contemplating drama from recess and what it means to be true to yourself and
remain kind, as those around you may be hurting you or others. I don’t
rush these moments, I savor each elongated bedtime prayer session and
conversation. For the minute I close his bedroom door, I’ll miss him, know
matter what level of exhaustion the day has brought me. Jack has taught me that.
As I come back to this piece of writing, it’s now the eve of
Jack’s 10th birthday. I can’t
help but cry tears of overwhelming joy, for all that this young boy, my first-born
son, has taught me; for all of the sweet tender moments we’ve shared as his
hands have grown in mine, from chubby and small, to lean and long. Our hugs have changed from leaping bounds and
his little arms around my neck, to an almost eye level hug of a thin, ever
growing boy. Before heading out for a
busy day, you should always take time for a hug. Jack has taught me that.
What will the next chapter bring? Jack has paved the way in so many ways for me
as a mother and as an amazing big brother to Vincent and Leo. He has a heart of gold and with that he
always leads. Last summer, Jack attended a baseball camp and won a
sportsmanship award for his age group. The
award was an honor for him. For me, it
was the first time I had heard another adult sum up Jack eloquently in front of
his peers, and this was by a coach who presented the award, who had known him
all of a week. “Not only is he a great
ball player, but he’ll challenge you to work hard, to be more disciplined, with
his focus and determination. Not only
this, but he will cheer louder for you then anyone else on the team. This award goes to Jack, as he is the player
everyone wants and deserves as a teammate.”
Yeah, that’s my son. Sitting in
the crowd and watching him shine and be recognized for who he is, how he showed
up as an athlete and person that week.
That was a new remarkable feeling.
Jack taught me that.
The beautiful journey he has brought me on as a Mother will
never be truly defined. It will continue to grow and take my breath away. All I can do is hope that he understands the
depth of my love, how incredibly proud and awe stricken I am of his grace and
kindness towards others; that he takes our deep conversations with him in his heart
and continues to bear his soul to me when he needs me. Jack’s big blue eyes sparkle, and tell you
everything you need to know about how he is feeling in an instant. I look at him and see the eyes of my child
staring back and they ground me. At
times I see the baby he once was, and other times, the man he will grow to
be. We march with the beat of time,
mother and son, and I’ll turn to him as he spreads his wings to soar, look in
those blue eyes, and know how to be the best Mom through decade two. Jack
will teach me this.
