Dear Jack,
You’re 17 today. I’m sure it wears on you, the retelling of your birth story, the one that led me to the truest love I’d ever known. You stayed close to my heart from the moment you found me and resisted leaving me with more rigor than my young body was ready to sustain. In hindsight, I think you were learning me well, taking your time, knowing perhaps that you’d be one of the greatest teachers of my life. Somehow your childhood has prepared you to be wiser than me, as if every word I’ve ever preached or muttered, every laugh, every cry has stayed on your soul and molded you. In your last year of ‘childhood’ I reflect on how our companionship has grown, always an extraordinary gift, with our shared secret language.
As a small child we’d read endlessly and talk until exhaustion.
You’d beg for me to stay a little longer.
Your busy, genius mind, always contemplating & questioning.
You hated my leaving.
I rocked you endlessly until you outgrew the rocker. I held your hand, played trains, watched you learn to swim in one week, nursed every injury and ailment, cheered at every sport you ever tried, read every word of homework, did math with you until you out schooled me, was front row for every new joke and savored every hug from your tiny frame. In this #OneBeautifulLife the years pile on and blend into a symphony, and in motherhood the symphony is filled with love, milestones and spaces in between that make both the child and the mother the people they are meant to be.
Now, I look forward to our late night kitchen conversations and am honored that you trust me to share all of the darkness and light that goes on in your busy, genius mind, still always contemplating. You are independent, humble, kind, an adventurer and brilliant. Sitting in the guidance office this week, planning your senior year, your tall handsome frame, warm demeanor, your manners and kindness, your gentleness, simply stole my breath. I have no words to properly describe how proud I am of you, my first born son or how much pride I feel when I watch you navigate the world. Your siblings all look up to you as a source of calm and love. They will follow your lead and always see you as a constant source of strength. Your deep perspective, insane creativity and genius, the lens through which you see other people and navigate uncertainty, all far beyond most realms.
This week you looked at me in the kitchen, me not at my best and reminded me to stop ruminating. “The past doesn’t exist anymore, so stop dwelling on it,” you said. You reminded me to stop worrying about the future and to keep the voices of my conscience positive, to stop making up things that aren’t real as a source of worry. My student has now become my teacher.
And it is in this last year of your childhood journey that I meet you as your Mom on the bridge from childhood to adulthood. I’ll simply walk by your side from here on out. I’m learning right along with you and you see this now. You’ll leave me. But, you’ll always come home.
Simply stay true to who you are, endure every struggle with the counsel of your values and core, lead with your stunning ability to love and remember I am always your biggest fan everywhere you wander and in all you do.
I’ll always talk until exhaustion.
I’ll always beg you to stay a little longer.
Your busy, genius mind, always contemplating, has and will always grow mine too.
I’ll always hate you leaving, but will cheer you on as you do.
I’ll always be home, waiting for you.
Happy 17th birthday my exquisite son. Walk the bridge with grace and love. I'm right here by your side., always.
I love you, whole heart,
Mom
